Halong party cruise: hop on – drop off


The day before:
Stella* and Jasmine* book the “original” Castaway Halong Bay 3 day tour¹. As they don’t want a derelict boat with rats they pay a higher price.

 

DAY 1:
7am
(at the travel agency): Bottles of vodka are handed to the tourists. Guide Timmey (you’ll remember this name) tries to cheer up the nearly sleeping crowd by making funny jokes. No-one laughs.
10am
: Arrival at the harbour and entering the derelict boat. Stella and Jasmine decide that this is the right occasion to open the first bottle of vodka.
12pm: The food is served and the the crowd begins to check out whom they are going to hit on tonight.
1pm: The derelict boat makes its way through Halong bay. Timmey counts the guests and explains about the program. He seems to be confused, which is his normal state of being.
3pm: Stella and Jasmine discover the excellent Caipirinhas at the bar.
5pm: Time for kayaking. Timmey counts the guests…again. Finds out that he has brought to little kayaks.
5:10pm: Timmey borrows some kayaks from another boat. Now THEY have too little kayaks for their guests.
6pm: The crowd is tired from paddling up to 100!! meters. They shout for drinks and food. This takes some time as the food has to be sorted from the rat bitten pieces.
8pm: Dinner is served. The drinks taste peculiar, but the crowd doesn’t mind.
10pm: Half of the tourists crawl on the floor or get rid of something over the guardrail. The other half make out with people they have never talked to before. Timmey tries to prevent people jumping from the 2nd floor into the bay.
11pm: Stella and Jasmine talk about filming and selling it to Universal. Genre: slapstick–horror.
11:50pm: The boat roof breaks because of the people trying to make pull-ups with it. Timmey lets the guys know he is “going to kill you bastards”.
Midnight: Wind and heavy storm come up. Lightning makes the people flee into their cabins (or the ones they think its theirs). Timmey tries to help by shouting “F**k you, f**k you all”.
1am: Baleful silence.

 

halong bay 1_100places100kisses    halong bay 2_100kisses100places   halong bay 5_100places100kisses   halong bay 3_100places100kisses   halong bay 4_100places100kisses

 

DAY 2:
8am: Timmey wakes up the tourists by knocking at their doors, shouting “breakfast you bastard”
9am: 4 of 20 people find their way to the breakfast table.
10am–end of the trip: No one talks to each other. Only the ones travelling in groups exchange really necessary information (can YOU remember something?). Timmey tells them about activities like “floating villages” “swimming in the bay” that reputed to have happenend. No one remembers an activity besides kayaking. Timmey reacts as normally (F**k you).

 

Appendix: You may think this is an overexagerated description of the tour. It isn’t.
¹If you want the REAL Castaway tour with activities like stand-up paddling, floating villages and high-quality drinks, book the tour at the Vietnam backbacker hostel as in the link at the top (or here).

 

*Tired of our identity, we choosed a new one. Stella is retired button man (in fact: woman) from south america, Jasmine a belly dancer from Turkey.

 

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